Article
Establishing Healthy Rhythms for a Pastor and Wife
The secret to thriving in ministry is more about blend than balance. It’s important to understand that “blending” doesn’t mean living without boundaries, or always saying yes. It simply means that you are seeking to find ways to overlap ministry and marriage, ministry and parenting, and ministry and friendship. A good example of this blend would be your small group. You and your spouse attend this small group together, you have close friends that are also in the small group, and your kids enjoy spending time with the kids of other couples in the group as well!
The secret to thriving in ministry is more about blend than balance.
In fact, if you try to balance, rather than blend, you often get in an endless loop of over correction. That is why establishing healthy rhythms, not trying to find a balance between priorities, is so much more effective in leadership health.
Healthy leadership is not a phase, it’s a lifestyle. Consider the amount of money and time people put into diets. Why do they always seem destined to fail? These diets are often not very realistic. They don’t “blend” in to a normal lifestyle of healthy eating. In most cases they are an attempt to over correct, for bad habits. We do the same thing when we don’t make lifestyle changes, but instead compensate with goals like running a mini-marathon after gain some weight, or planning vacation get ways with our spouse who we’ve been growing distant from for months. They might help short term, but the unhealthy patterns must change for long term gain.
Healthy leadership is not a phase, it's a lifestyle.
So, health in ministry isn’t about a diet or extreme goals, its about realistic but disciplined rhythms you can commit to both individually and as a couple.
The way to start is to think of daily, weekly, monthly and quarterly rhythms you already have. Think about these rhythms in categories, spiritual, relational, emotional, intellectual and physical habits you have or would like to start. Start by asking your spouse a few questions:
- What healthy rhythms am I missing? What’s realistic in this season of life?
- What do you think of our marriage rhythms? (Work at adjusting them together).
- Ask him/her if they would be willing to consider not just building marriage rhythms but getting and giving feedback. Ask your spouse to consider providing feedback on your plan and consider their own after your time together. In other words, do not put them on the spot if the plan is still in development. Plan another date in a few days or week, and remember, this is an opportunity for your to truly listen, nurture each other, and to invite your spouse into a true ministry partnership.
- Review the five categories of health:
Spiritual Formation (quiet time, abiding days, prayer together)
Personal Soul-Care (sabbath days, life giving counsel, extended prayer)
Strengthening Marriage and Family Together (intentional dates, family devo’s)
Developing emotional intelligence (read, feedback, margin to reflect)
Ongoing Leadership Development/Management Skills (read, get a coach, get feedback)
The aim of this exercise is to intentionally bring your spouse into the conversation of healthy leading. Men, you should lead out, but ladies you should be very engaged as well. It is an opportunity to build a stronger marriage partnership. Make sure you and your spouse get some uninterrupted time to spend considering it deeply as part of your Lead Healthy Plan® (contact Soul Care Consulting to develop your own Lead Healthy Plan).
Make sure you take the time to have a heart to heart about your overall leadership role. You may be a ministry leader but you are also a husband, maybe a father, etc. You may be a pastor’s wife, or ministry director but you are also a wife, perhaps a mother, leader of the home, etc. Below is brief guide for that time but feel free to tailor your time to your needs.
Asking More Role Specific Questions
Here are a series of questions you may consider asking to guide you both through this discussion. The questions are set up in a way that both husband and wife can reflect and get feedback for their role. Some questions apply to both some are specific to your role.
Husband and Wife: How are we doing? Am I leading/following well? To help give a target, consider reading Ephesians 5: 25-33 out loud. But be clear that the focus is upon you.
Husband: Am I loving you in a way you feel respected/cherished?
Husband: Am I leading you in a way that is sacrificial and models God’s love?
Wife: Am I listening, submitting and only appealing your decisions when I see it hurting you or us? Where could I improve?
Husband: I am considerate of you in the way we function as a couple? To help give a target, consider reading 1 Peter 3:7.
Wife: I am gentle and careful with my way of communicating in disagreements? Am I supportive and faith focused in my demeanor or is fear getting the best of me?
Husband and Wife:: Do you think I consider you in how I communicate with you, pray with you, and make decisions?
Husband: How do you think I am doing in this as a leader of our core group, church, ministry, etc.? Am I leading as a servant? Do I demonstrate social and emotional intelligence?
Husband: Do you feel like I am dragging you along in my calling, my vision, or my timeline?
Husband: How can I make you feel more like a true ministry partner? How can I help the kids get excited about this new season?
Wife: How can I engage in a way you feel supported but also feel I bring value?
Fill out this Rhythms Grid.
Sharing Your Rhythms
Show your spouse your Rhythms Grid© and how you developed your outline of daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly and yearly goals and rhythms.
Make sure you spend time in prayer, consider what is going well and what needs work, and make sure to pray and listen to each other in the monthly reviews of rhythms.
Discuss how you want to establish and prioritize non-negotiable healthy rhythms. Ask them:
- What am I missing? What’s realistic?
- What do you think of our marriage rhythms? (Work at adjusting them together).
- Ask him/her if they would be willing to consider not just building marriage rhythms but getting feedback for their own rhythms.
- Review the five categories of health: Spiritual Formation, Personal Soul-Care, Strengthening Marriage and Family Together, Developing EQ and CQ Through Feedback, Ongoing Leadership Developing and Management Skills
- Talk about habits to improve health in these areas. Talk about ways you could support each other in this.
Spiritual (Abiding and spiritual development)
Emotional (Shedding stress, building self-awareness, expressing feelings)
Relational (Life giving community, authentic communication, margin)
Mental (Focus, renewed mind, attitude toward God and others)
Physical (Exercise, sleep, diet, etc.)
Monthly Reviews of Rhythms:
- Make this check in a rhythm itself. This should be the beginning a regular routine of talking about these things with her at a minimum, monthly.
- At each meeting, make sure you spend time in prayer, consider what is going well and what needs work, and make sure pray and you listen to each other!
Getting More Help
We help couples build healthy rhythms as a part of our Lead Healthy Retreat and our Lead Healthy Cohorts. We are passionate about leaders and ministry marriages thriving. If you would like to receive coaching, join a cohort, or attend at retreat you can inquire at Great Commission Collective or Soul Care Consulting.
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